A Testimony

This tattoo is a testimony. In March of 2018, I got this tattoo on my right forearm. Many will look at this and see a cross with some kind of jar with fire, smoke, or a heart shape coming out of the top. However, this is a cross holding a broken clay jar, coming out of the jar is the NEDA symbol (National Eating Disorder Association) with the word “Free” inside the symbol, and inside the right arm of the cross is the symbol of the treatment center I had just been released from for a second time (I was there during 2016 & 2018). Next to that symbol are three small letters, ERC (Eating Recovery Center) in Seattle. I was there because I was unable to stop exercising. Some people throw up their food (called Bulimia) in order to get rid of the calories they had just taken into their bodies. But I exercised every calorie off until I was a frail, broken, severely injured, malnutritioned, exhausted, sick, human. My wounds would not heal, my fingernails couldn’t grow but became infected, and my feet, arms, and legs had wounds from months and years of tiny scratches, scrapes, or bruises that my body did not have the ability to heal due to malnutrition, together with my inability to allow them to heal. I needed to be put in a safe place where I could heal and where I was kept from moving beyond monitored movement. I was forced to wear a monitor 24/7 to track my movement. Previously, I had been screaming emotionally, and at times, outwardly, for someone to stop me. I desperately wanted someone to grab me off the street and hold me down. I just needed someone to realize the terror I was experiencing by waking every morning, knowing I had to do this exercise ritual/routine over again. Hours each day spent grasping for breath, dripping with sweat, having to “fix” my body so that no ounce of fat was seen in a mirror, felt on my body, or seen on a scale. Every day, I cried and called on God to help me. My wife was the one who knew the pain I experienced every day but did not know how to help. I intentionally ran in thunderstorms, hoping to be struck. I ran into the street, hoping to be hit. Instead, I received “thumbs up” and “high fives” as people would applaud my diligence. Day after day I lived in a prison of fear, knowing that I was only “allowed” to rest at night, once I was thoroughly exhausted. For a couple of hours, I could rest and enjoy some food, only to wake up knowing I had to do it all over again. I experienced this vicious cycle from 2009 to 2020 (as treatment did not fix me, but certainly did help!). But it took from 2009 to 2012 to make me realize other people did not act like me when they exercised. Honestly, I enjoyed it and had not experienced the trauma of it yet. It was between 2012 and 2013 that I began to really experience the anxiety ramping up. Though my routine then was about 6 hours a day, both day and night (as a school bus driver, I had a lot of time to exercise between routes). But after 2016, I could no longer endure more than a couple of hours a day. Finally, in March of 2020, I found hope. My pastor at the time, and some God-fearing men, met with me and prayed over me while I shared the desire to transfer my anxieties over to God in exchange for His peace, healing, and purpose. Also, I confessed whatever sins popped into my head, no matter how embarrassed I felt. I entered that prayer room by faith that day. I was CONVINCED God was fully willing and able to do His will in me. And He did! He restored hope and confidence in His love for me. He gave me peace and perspective. But He did not supernaturally remove my brain chemistry or personality. I still have OCD, and I still struggle with eating disordered thinking, and behaviors. The difference is the Lord is “with” me and grants grace where grace is needed. He reminds me daily of my purpose on this earth. In fact, one day He said this to me: “Your body is nothing more and nothing less than a holy dwelling place for the living God. To display the glory of God in your hands, feet, and mouth.” By His grace, I have taken many baby steps, and some massive steps, of faith in trusting God to take care of my body and mind. But one thing I lack is support from the community of faith. In treatment, I was with others who suffered, and we supported each other. But outside of the treatment center, I have not found much support except from “the world,” which is odd, isn’t it? But my desire is to be understood and supported by other Christians. What I mean is it “appears” to be Godly to fast. And it “appears” to be Godly to exercise and not be overweight. At least these are the messages which have been communicated in Churches. But in truth, neither of these is Godly. Why I say this, is because the scriptures are clear that fasting is ALL about the attitude of the heart and not about eating or not eating. Isaiah chapter 58 explains this. And the “fitness” of a body is of no value one way or another in God’s Kingdom. According to God, everything is a matter of the spirit and soul. Everything is about the inner person, the eternal nature of an individual.

My eating disorder is just one out of many ways OCD has controlled my thinking and behavior beginning from age 10. Before the eating disorder came along, I experienced uncontrollable, unwanted, repetitive thoughts and behaviors that stemmed from various things that I became anxious about over the years. OCD is a disorder where obsessive, unwanted, repetitive, anxious thoughts attack an individual’s thought life leading to compulsive behaviors (or thoughts) that are meant to reduce the tormenting thoughts temporarily. The dreaded thought (which is the obsession) comes into the mind, and a reaction occurs (which is the compulsion), which is a form of attempting to silence the obsessive thought.

On my left forearm, which I do not have a picture of, I have this tattooed: “But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us” (2 Cor. 4:7). Now if you notice the tattoo which is on my right arm you can see that the jar of clay is not a shiny, new, polished clay pot. It is broken. Why? Because my body is broken. My body is imperfect. There is no power in my body, in my “flesh.” Do you recall when the disciples approached Jesus in the gospels and pointed out the outer beauty of the Temple? What was Jesus’ response? He said, … “You see all these, do you not? Truly, I say to you, there will not be left here one stone upon another that will not be thrown down” (Matt 24:2). The disciples and others of that time boasted about the outer beauty of the Temple. But Jesus was clear to point out that regarding the Temple, the outer beauty was vanity. It was the glory within that carried the value of the Temple. God made this extremely clear to me during my first time in treatment, while I was struggling to understand the value of the human body. Though some will argue with me. I want to affirm that what makes humanity “valuable” is its relationship with God and one another. Apart from the value God gives the body, it has no value. Our “worth” stems from the One whose image we are made in. And according to God, it is the eternal part of our nature that matters most. So, inside this flawed human body of mine is the very power of Christ, the glory of God! And it is “this” which must be my focus and purpose for living. And as a blessing, I have been called to remind all of God’s children of their identity in Christ. Calling God’s kids to leave behind the ideas that call their attention to their outer beauty, and worldly pursuits, instead of the things that point to the glory within (which is Christ). Calling them to look to Christ as their sufficiency and to the power He has provided for living with an eternal perspective and purpose daily. My purpose on earth is to reflect Christ, who lives in me. The life that I live in my flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God who loves me. So, though I must continually be reminded of my identity in Christ, and though I still live contrary to this identity at times, I do walk in the fellowship of the Spirit of Christ and am being transformed increasingly into His image.

This post was a little different from what I usually share. My purpose in sharing this is because I feel alone and misunderstood within the greater Body-of-Christ, for the most part. But I am hoping that by sharing this it will clarify for some folks the reason I am the way I am. Also, so that you would know how to pray for me. Thank you for reading this.